The Worst $83.70 I’ve Ever Spent

My best friend got married in June to a very wonderful man she met on eHarmony. This meant that amid wedding plans, there was lots of encouragement for me to give it a shot (again). Unfortunately, while writing my maid of honor toast and, probably, drinking a beer, I began to think that maybe she was right and I should sign up for eHarmony. So I did.

That was how I spent $83.70, the same amount of money for which I could have had one extra large Snazzy Napper, a hot dog shaped hamburger mold, and Pink Kush Supports.

My first indication that things on eHarmony had already gone awry was within a few days.

And then there was this.

Whitney 3

But I’m not here to talk about my horrible matches directly (of which there are plenty). I’m here to talk about my horrible matches indirectly.

After only talking to one man who got weird, possibly a little serial-killery, and who only ate turkey bacon and then being matched with a devout Jehovah’s Witness in another state, I decided to call customer service. This is more difficult than you’d think because this is what happens when you try to find a customer service number on the eHarmony website.

Customer Service

After skirting eHarmony’s avoidance of providing customer service by googling for the number, I made the phone call (844-544-3179, if you’re looking for it). My conversation with the “customer service rep” went something like this.

Me: Hey, I don’t like the people I’m being matched with and the last straw is that you matched me with a Jehovah’s Witness in another state. Not only would be not be a good match, we would fucking hate each other. This basically shows me that you’ve run out of people to match me with.
CSR: Well, let’s take a look at your settings. It looks like you say you can be matched with Christians.
Me: Yes, that’s because “Christian” is a very vague term and it doesn’t mean much to most people, and I’m not sure you’d have anybody left to match me with if I uncheck that box.

My proposal was that eHarmony would not offer me a refund,  but instead shut down my account, and not take any more money. They said “no.”

CSR: Well, we can shut down your profile, but you’ll have to make the other two payments first.
Me: So let me get this straight: You want me to pay the same price but for less service?
CSR: Well, we have to collect the remaining payments before we make any changes to your account and profile.
Me: Ok, well, I guess I’ll just entertain myself by sending screenshots of ridiculous profiles to my friends for a few months longer.

warning

I have now paid my three easy payments, and eHarmony is routinely warning me that my time with them is drawing to a close. I will be released from this bondage on December 17, 2015.

Of my last 100 matches, 84 of them have been outside of my preference settings which I think are roughly equal to my real life odds. Of the 16 matches that were within my preferences, 100% of them were of zero interest to me.

I’m pretty sure eHarmony’s algorithm is basically, throw ’em what we’ve got, much like the real world.

Friends, learn from my mistakes, don’t give eHarmony money to do what visiting church or what visiting that weird guy at work’s mom’s basement could do for you.  Just don’t.

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Hot Mess: Volume 6

I’m going to start with a grand ol’ “What the fuck?” on this here beauty, starting with this dapper fellow’s facial hair stylings.

I’m pretty sure that this is the portion of my profile to which this  fine gentleman is responding. You see, I have a strong aversion to the utterly pointless and creepy cyber winking that Match advertises as flirty and as “communication”.

I’m not exactly sure what he’s implying by, “if that’s the kind of students you have, you prolly met someone like me b4.” Kids whose “hienies” get molested by old ladies with lots of rings? Students who are old ladies? I’m at a loss.

“Rick T. THE GREAT. est technician that ever lived. lol.” is “too smart for anyone to figure out.”
Go figure. He got me figured out right quick. I’m oil. I am also a woman, so it’s best to find out what’s for dinner.

I’d also be willing to wager that the cigarettes in his pocket are Winners…that or Marlboro lights. Ick to the tenth power.

Consolation prize: I have “nice grammar”.

Hot Mess: Volume 2

 

One of the things that frustrates me most about online dating is that so many of the profiles I encounter (as is true for Hot Mess #2)  could be summarized in the following manner.

I like going out and staying in. I’m hard working, but also laid back. I like my family and friends. I also like stuff and things.

Where to start with Hot Mess #2?
Eh, let’s go with the beginning.

  • “Daylites burning!” Daylite: Is that some sort of shitty cousin to Partylite?
  • “Im a very nice person that is looking for a person that also is nice and considerate.”
    Funny. I never see the profile that says, “I’m kind of a dick. So I’m looking for someone who will tolerate me.” Errr, sorry…I mean, “Im kind of a dick that is looking for someone that is willing to tolerate me.”
  • “I’m quite confident you won’t be disapointed.” They say confidence is sexy, but it kind of loses its touch when it follows the sentence, “Anyway, I can tell you more if you are interested, just please let me know if I seem to spark your interest!”
    ! = universal sign for “I’m begging you. Fucking. Please!”
  • “Im a hard working, kinda old fashioned guy that is looking for someone to share my life and the things I have with, and experience the things she has as part of her life.”
    I’m not even going to take the time to go all English teacher on that sentence. But “share my life and the things I have with”? What are we talking about? Herpes? His nail clipping collection? It’s kind of like the opposite of a Valtrex commercial. But come on, what could possibly be more intimate than sharing herpes?
  • A PSA: Guys, you never-fucking-ever put in your profile that you play video games even IF you qualify it with “sometimes” or a “few.”  You automatically conjure up the gamer stereotype – greasy, hasn’t showered in a week, and very, very white.

This eligible bachelor was among one of the first people on Match to make me talk to my computer (who was unwittingly standing in for Hot Mess #2).
The conversation went something like this:

Me: What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you even read my profile?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)
Me: CAN you read my profile?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)
Me: What the fuck is wrong with people?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)

Some fist shaking may or may not have occurred at this point. But a girl’s gotta have some secrets…

Hot Mess: Volume 1

 

Rycon 517 was the first man to prompt me to use command, shift, 4. He sent me a message that I no longer have stored in either my inbox or my memory, so it is safe to assume that it was about as engaging as his profile.

Some things you may want to note:

  • The headline: “New and Adventurous ! : )” as demonstrated by his (only) profile pic outside of the Mall of (fucking) America (or MOFA for short) to which he gives a familiar shout out in his “Favorite Hot Spots” section.
  • If I was not already sold on this 31 year-old SWM’s sense of novelty and adventure, he drew me in with, “I won’t get off on a rant (space). I’m just a simple guy and enjoy simple thing (space). Sometimes I can be elaborite (space).” “Elaborite” like sometimes he likes to “go all out” on that extra pair of new, still soft sweatpants.
  • Rycon 517 continues writing that he is “always up for something new that I haven’t tried yet and go some place I have never been (fucking space).” “Something new” like sex, for example, but not like jacking off in the bathrooms at MOFA after seeing a particularly risque mannequin.
  • The closing line may be his best. “Perhaps you can show me something ‘NEW'”
    Is that a challenge? In hindsight, I should have sent him a link for diaper porn.