The Worst $83.70 I’ve Ever Spent

My best friend got married in June to a very wonderful man she met on eHarmony. This meant that amid wedding plans, there was lots of encouragement for me to give it a shot (again). Unfortunately, while writing my maid of honor toast and, probably, drinking a beer, I began to think that maybe she was right and I should sign up for eHarmony. So I did.

That was how I spent $83.70, the same amount of money for which I could have had one extra large Snazzy Napper, a hot dog shaped hamburger mold, and Pink Kush Supports.

My first indication that things on eHarmony had already gone awry was within a few days.

And then there was this.

Whitney 3

But I’m not here to talk about my horrible matches directly (of which there are plenty). I’m here to talk about my horrible matches indirectly.

After only talking to one man who got weird, possibly a little serial-killery, and who only ate turkey bacon and then being matched with a devout Jehovah’s Witness in another state, I decided to call customer service. This is more difficult than you’d think because this is what happens when you try to find a customer service number on the eHarmony website.

Customer Service

After skirting eHarmony’s avoidance of providing customer service by googling for the number, I made the phone call (844-544-3179, if you’re looking for it). My conversation with the “customer service rep” went something like this.

Me: Hey, I don’t like the people I’m being matched with and the last straw is that you matched me with a Jehovah’s Witness in another state. Not only would be not be a good match, we would fucking hate each other. This basically shows me that you’ve run out of people to match me with.
CSR: Well, let’s take a look at your settings. It looks like you say you can be matched with Christians.
Me: Yes, that’s because “Christian” is a very vague term and it doesn’t mean much to most people, and I’m not sure you’d have anybody left to match me with if I uncheck that box.

My proposal was that eHarmony would not offer me a refund,  but instead shut down my account, and not take any more money. They said “no.”

CSR: Well, we can shut down your profile, but you’ll have to make the other two payments first.
Me: So let me get this straight: You want me to pay the same price but for less service?
CSR: Well, we have to collect the remaining payments before we make any changes to your account and profile.
Me: Ok, well, I guess I’ll just entertain myself by sending screenshots of ridiculous profiles to my friends for a few months longer.

warning

I have now paid my three easy payments, and eHarmony is routinely warning me that my time with them is drawing to a close. I will be released from this bondage on December 17, 2015.

Of my last 100 matches, 84 of them have been outside of my preference settings which I think are roughly equal to my real life odds. Of the 16 matches that were within my preferences, 100% of them were of zero interest to me.

I’m pretty sure eHarmony’s algorithm is basically, throw ’em what we’ve got, much like the real world.

Friends, learn from my mistakes, don’t give eHarmony money to do what visiting church or what visiting that weird guy at work’s mom’s basement could do for you.  Just don’t.