Shiver me, Tinder!

In a brief lapse of judgment, I downloaded Tinder because it included two very important factors: It was free and it contained people I hadn’t yet met.

I spent the first three days mostly swiping left and communicating with people who were like:

Tinderer: I’m in town for the weekend. Wanna have some fun?
Me: Nope.

After a few days of this I developed a slight appreciation/hate relationship with Tinder and I tried to delete the app. However, having recently switched from an iPhone to an Android I discovered that dragging the icon to the trash can was not sufficient to delete the app and that I must uninstall it. This is where I lost motivation and gave in to more time with Tinder.

Lucky for my dear readers this means that I have been on some lame first and one lame second date as well as the first stranger danger dating in a very long while.

Tinder Match #1:
Canceled with the I’m-not-feeling-very-good card.

Tinder Match #2:
Wanted to meet for a walk around the lake. Showed up in basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Got called into work. We made plans to meet for brunch.

Although we had a time and place, he seemed to think that since I didn’t immediately respond to his “good morning” text that we may not be on for sure so he proceeded to drink some ridiculous protein shake. He showed up 30 minutes late in (possibly the same) basketball shorts and a very wrinkled t-shirt. He choked down part of a fruit plate while I ate steak and eggs. He then rushed out at the end because he had to go to work.

Not only am I unsure that he ever laughs or chills the fuck out, he clearly had a very close relationship with his parents that included him living with them for many of his adult years – by choice. He really wants kids because he thinks he has things to impart and because he has thoroughly read and copied a Psychology textbook.

Apparently, we were basically soulmates.

James Tinder #1

Tinder Match #3:
A little to Mystery Method-y for my taste but still interesting enough to be in the running.

Tinder Match #4:
With this one, I’m just gonna roll with bullet points of things that went wrong:

  • I dropped all the f-bombs.
  • He was a teacher who was afraid of bad (see code word “behavioral”) kids.
  • He was skeptical, at best, of my neighborhood and may have inadvertently talked some shit about it.
  • He stopped drinking beer and started drinking water.
  • He did not say a single remotely funny thing.
  • He invited me to sit on his apartment balcony within an hour and a half of meeting.
  • I declined and invited him to a street festival that involved music.
  • He danced. (I conducted a 30 minute long search trying to find a video or gif that demonstrated this dance, but I was unsuccessful.) It was an unfortunate combination of pursed lips, finger guns, semi-flailing flat hands, and an ass that got way too close to my body.

And THAT is when I knew it was truly over. Most uncomfortable 30 minutes of my life…

I’m utterly divided whether to keep up Tinder for the blogging fodder or whether to scrap it and return to plan A which was live my life and let fate do or do not do its thing the old-fashioned way.

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Vote of Confidence

I’m pretty sure that Match’s most recent matching algorithm consists of: *Shrug* Fuck if I know…

These gems were all contained within one day’s set of “matches.”

“Eligible” Bachelor #1: YOUNGCOWBOY28

Aside from his inexplicable caps lock and splitting of one word into two smaller one-syllable words, I guess we could be a match.
FUCK THAT, MATCH.
FUCK THAT.

Enjoying camping, drinking, and dogs is not enough to bring two people together. Trust me, I’ve tried that shit.

Next.

“Eligible” Bachelor #2:  Ladieslovesandme

Can you say, “codependent”? “My favorite place is your favorite place.” “I like to do, what u like to do hopefully shopping, cooking, and putting on makeup.”

Wow.
Also, fuck you and your pixelated, lego-faced second picture.

“Eligible” Bachelor #3: b_t_hellam1

I think Match may have momentarily gotten me confused with my crazy sister who would love to date and marry a nondenominational protestant minister (for marriage #4) with whom she could relax, read the Bible, and watch Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

“Eligible” Bachelor #4: D8M4

You know, this fucker’s not so bad (comparatively) except that he listens to shitty music.
Still, fuck him.

Also, fuck this.

Hot Mess: Volume 13

This week’s edition of “holy fuck, why?” is brought to you by MarcB1234.

The problem is partly his face, but it’s also that he writes his message like it’s an old school, personal ad. Probably because he’s been looking “to meet somebody and see what happens” for just about that long.

Obviously, I’m not paying for a service because my primary criteria are age, height, weight, and availability.
Perhaps, that’s not as obvious as I think it should be.

MarcB1234 is yet another fine specimen (struggling to meet the 200 character minimum) who introduces himself like an early elementary school child.

I’ve told you how old I am. What else do you need to know?

But wait! In order to prove my ability to be a non-needy, responsible adult. I want you to be sure that I don’t want to rush anything, “We’ll see how it goes.” Just “hope the person is understanding” that I have the personality of a goldfish and internal exploration and self-awareness of a lobotomized T-rex.

Hot Mess: Volume 10

In, perhaps, an it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time moment, I reactivated my account with Match. After a few messages began to pile up in the inbox I had not paid to see, I gave the site some money.
At least 75% of my justification to myself was that I would, at least, have some new blogging material.

Message #1 was from a woman who wanted to hear about my Match experience but was “Don’t worry. Not a lesbo.”  I suspect that it was some sort of scam.

Message #2 was as follows:

While I suspected that Lex may be a bit crazy, I couldn’t resist the urge to reply.

Of course, it’s a bad idea to encourage the crazy. He replied twice within the same hour…

While I do find myself inexplicably attracted to Lex’s 2D pastel blue silhouette, I’m not sure I’m ready to admit that I’d like to tie up that pastel blue silhouette and do “kinky things” to it. I think the paper cuts would get to me before long.

If I had not already been put off by his discussion of gang banging, I would have certainly thrown off by his transition from kinky sex to “actually, I was thinking about angels.” It’s a rough transition from inappropriate early messaging etiquette to a philosophical justification of his apparent Schizophrenia and his intimate “I’m sure you understand” statements.

Sorry, Lex, my fairly open mind is a little too small for the crazed yammerings of those that hear Djinn.

While this reopening saga does not bode well for my dating, it does bode well for you, dear readers. Some fish are still in the sea because they’ve been thrown back.
Get ready. It looks like we’ll be laughing a lot together.

One of us thought it was hilarious. Sorry it wasn’t you.

Initial contact summary: Hey, we should meet. Yes, we should. Silence, extended for a month or so.

Ditto for second contact summary including silence, extended.

Third contact (unabridged)
Observe the dates.

Prior to sending this message, I thought that either this dude will find this hi-larious or he’ll be pissed. Either way, I shall have some sort of conclusive decision.

At this point, my dear friend “J” un-friended me on the book-o’-face and subsequently blocked me. In the grand scheme of my internet dating and relationships, I’m going to credit that as a successful closure.

Re-Emergency: or fuck you, fuck you, you’re pretty cool, and fuck you

A couple months ago I had a revelation that the only reason I was even attempting to still date was because I had paid for a service, and I didn’t want that to go to waste. It took a long time for it to dawn on my that not wasting money was a very stupid reason to keep putting myself through the same bullshit – lather, rinse, repeat. So I made a deal with myself that I would take a last stab in the dark and then quit.
Stab status: Fail.

My journey toward contentment must have caused a great disturbance in the force as men from my past seemed to gather and decide it was time to reemerge into my text message inbox and psyche. I’ll spare you the whole story of who and why and wherefore I might have met them. Instead, I will share some fun-nuggets (ironically, made out of shit).

All names have been changed to arbitrary characters or blurred to protect the ignorant from friends who would consider punching them in the face.


Fuck You: Chapter 1 (Abridged)

Once upon a time (in November of last year) I traveled across the country to visit a man for a long weekend. During this long weekend, I saw this man one time for about three hours. He backed out of plans twice. I flew home and was forgotten at the airport. I took an expensive cab ride home. The end?

No, of course not.

Prince Charming: 12.11, 9:15 pm – hi… I miss u.
Me: I don’t really see how that’s possible. You hardly saw me.
Prince Charming: 12.11, 9:46 pm – i know, but…. I like u. wish u would have stayed longer.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?

But wait, there’s more!

He hit up the facebook inbox.

And then, the facebook wall.


Fuck You: Chapter 2

The first disappearance of Idiot A.

5.08, 2:20 am – Hi there…it’s late.
5.08, 2:30 am – …you wouldn’t happen to be up now would ya?
5.09, 2:37 am – Journey rules!
5.13, 3:32 am – Hello.
5.13, 3:33 am – I. Need. To. Get. Outta. Here.
5.13, 4:42 am – Nighnught
5.13, 3:20 pm – Sorry about the post-work celebratory texting. I think my final went swimmingly.

The second coming of Idiot A.

6.12, 2:49 am – So…I really miss hanging out with you. I realize yr probably done or need a better explanation, which I’d share if you’d like….calculas is kicking my ass.
6.12, 11:40 am – I know “busy” doesn’t really cut it (even though I was with finals and then a family trip to TN) but I really would like to! I like the cut of your jib, kid, ya got moxy.

The third disappearance of Idiot A.

8.31, 10:41 pm – Hey pretty stranger. How ya been?
After silence – 8.31, 10:58 pm – You present a valid point. Sorry to bother you. Just wondered how you were.
8.31, 11:35 pm – …at the risk of sounding redundant, I think it would be really great to study with you sometime. I just think you’re pretty cool and would rather there not be bad blood and/or weirdness…

The appearance of Idiot B: Played by myself

9.1 – Idiot B actually hung out with this dude again. Haven’t heard from him since and would be willing to make bets that I won’t for at least thirty days.

 

Fuck You: Chapter 3 (Abridged)

Conversation highlights:

Me: Might I ask why the sudden re-interest?
Dude: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been hitting on you pretty hardcore for a while now.
Me: I don’t know if I would say “hardcore” unless by “hardcore” you mean that you talk to me when I happen to be in your general vicinity.
….
Me: No, but really why are you back now?

Wait for it…

Dude: Your hips. (He goes on to explain why he likes my hips and others like or unlike them.)

At this point I was kind of waiting for him to go on with other reasons – maybe something related to a quality that I have more control over or more pride in, but, apparently, that was it.

Unsolicited advice: If you are struggling to name some good qualities of mine, ask me. I’ve known and liked myself for most of my life.

After this evening of “bliss,” he was really interested for about a week which roughly mirrored his first period of intense interest. After that he no longer seemed to acknowledge my existence while in the same place (except once), which, apparently, is the opposite of hitting on me “pretty hardcore.”


Finalists for the “You’re Pretty Cool” Category:

Bachelor #1: Drinks too much.
Bachelor #2: Lives in another state.