Hot Mess: Volume 11

In general, I have pretty high self-esteem, some might even call it “cockiness.”

I know I’m not all that painful on the eyes. I’m pretty witty, laidback, self-sufficient, and low-maintenance. Also, I could probably kick your ass. This is, perhaps, why I’m perpetually the best friend with whom people really SHOULD be in love, but… There’s always a big “but”…

I’m also aware that many women do not carry themselves with or feel the same sense of confidence that I do. Which is why this is such a terrible first message.

It’s a fucking virtual head pat.

This message says:

  • You seem nice. Too bad your life blows.
  • I’m not quite sure why no-one wants you, but there must be a reason.
  • You seem hot, so you must be crazy.
  • I don’t understand why cupid keeps making you gargle his sweaty balls. You seem cool enough to me.

To add to the low blow, one knows it’s from someone who’s in exactly the same position, someone who thinks he’s a pretty good catch, despite the fact that he’s fictionally 92 years old and who has many interests not limited to, but including, women between the ages of 18 and 45.

Nothing says, “I’m just looking for a someone with (semi)functioning female parts” like a thirty year age range.
Don’t give me any of that, “Age is just a number” bullshit. No one says that or believes it except teenage girls who think they’re in love with guys old enough to buy them liquor, child molesters, old rich guys with trophy wives, and the gold-diggers waiting for them to die.

This message is only a confirmation for my “fuck it” inclination. Until my membership runs out, Match’s sole purpose is for providing me with entertainment while I get matched with myself and heal from their previous “matches”.


7 thoughts on “Hot Mess: Volume 11

  1. Ah, cut the guy a little slack. Sure, he can’t seem to operate a text box or dropdown menu correctly but think of the interesting conversations you’ll have! He could regale you with tales of his years with the Railroad Commission, where he worked hard days making this great country mobile while also moonlighting as a rum runner. He could also give you some perspective on today’s drug war, having watched nearly every controlled substance go from “harmless diversion” to “insta-jailtime” over the last 90 years.

    Plus, he’d have a leg up on today’s men, who send date invitations in mutated English via the wireless text messenger service. Which would you rather have? An impersonal question like “R U up for a movie on Sat.” Or something more targeted like: “SAT EVE FREE STOP MOVING PICTURE AT GASLIGHT 7PM STOP R U IN STOP”

    SIDEBAR: I’m dying to see how his last sentence plays out. “It is nice to sometimes give a chance to who does not ‘fit’ or look like the…”

    “… 92-year-old he botched himself into being after being outmaneuvered by the Profile Management page.”

    Perhaps you could send a message back like, “I’d love to give a chance but I only have one vehicle and I don’t think you’ll ‘fit.’ Sorry. Better luck in the future, Winston2K10!*”

    *He’s probably a time-traveling cyborg.

    • You present some valid points, Capitalist Lion Tamer. Upon reflection, I think I might actually enjoy having some drinks with a 92 year-old more than I would enjoy having drinks with the man who is however old Winston2010 really is. “Twould almost be like time traveling myself.

      That last sentence plays out like this… “It is nice to sometimes give a chance to a guy who does not ‘fit’ or look like the guys you have dated in the past. New experience can be eye opening.” Kind of like, I suspect one’s first exposure to 92 year-old “junk” might be.

  2. Oh my heavenly giraffe on a stick! I got this very EXACT same message from the very EXACT same dude! Is his theory to use scatter shot and just hope that it works? Or is it possible that this actually DOES work for him sometimes?

    I’m not sure if this is better or worst than the one that said, “Nice tits. Will you put them in my face?”

    I’m not sure what my next plan is…perhaps no plan at all for a while.

    • I am henceforth making it a point to incorporate the expression “Oh my heavenly giraffe on a stick” into my vocabulary. That made me giggle.

      I think scatter shot IS a common technique among male interwebs daters. I have gotten multiple emails with the same message from the same guy months apart. Also, this particular chap used the term “groovy” which made me feel like I was being hit on by a dirty, old man. (Perhaps true…) I called him on the repeated message, but he didn’t respond. Too bad. I think it could have had blogging potential.

      I think the “no plan” plan is necessary every once in a while. Dating can be utterly exhausting. At a certain point, it stops being fun or funny and starts being masochistic.
      Best of luck, plans or no plans!

      • That is the kind of phrase I use when I am speaking to or commenting to someone who A) Does not appreciate the things that come out of my “you talk to your momma with that ” mouth, or B) I don’t know if they fall into category A.

        If I know they do not fall into either A or B, the things with giraffes and other creatures can get even more interesting. 🙂

  3. My favorite messages always came from the men who have zero requirements at all. They just want something female, and something tells me the species is negotiable.

    On the bright side, how many nonagenarians can say they enjoy playing volleyball? 92 is the new 50!

    • Volleyball would be impressive, if he were indeed 92. Perhaps he should just roll with it.
      Here’s the thing about his “92”. He lied about his age initially and now the website won’t let him go back and change it. A reasonable safeguard, I think.

      So, basically, he’s just a dumbass.

      Let the good times roll, I guess. Wee-haw.

      Best of luck to you in your search.

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