Hot Mess: Volume 8

What scares me most about Hot Mess #8 is that he may be responsible for healing and/or keeping people safe.
Oh, also the chest shots. Nothing says, “I think I’m hot” like obvious self-portraits that involve your chest. That goes for the ladies too.

Keep your Myspace pics on Myspace, kids.

Tested Theory: Guys who can’t walk by the mirror without checking themselves out or primping are overrated and, possibly, gay (at least in my study).

Let’s play “Guess My IQ

  • “People look at me and seem to wonder what i’m thinking about, most of the time i’m not exactly sure, but whatever it is probably has to do with how great you are.” I’m gonna have to call “bullshit” on this statement except for his reported confusion and lack of conscious thought. However, if this is true, I guess he’s probably NOT lying when he later says, “There is one thing I haven’t had that much experience in, and that is ‘dating’. Or, at least, these thoughts about how “great you are” are not often mutual.
  • “I have fairly decent values, I know whats ‘good’ vs. whats ‘bad’. I fit into the good category”. Congratulations, you have reached Kohlberg’s first stage of moral development – Pre-conventional Morality. It must be exceedingly convenient to organize your world in neat little dualities and even more convenient, that you fit into the socially acceptable side of these dualities. Your mother must be proud.
  • “I’m also the most mature person there is.” Skeptical. See above. And below.
  • “I feel like going out and doing something; I could go out and take pictures with my cell phone while climbing mountains and riding a bicycle.” Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Recommendation: If you really don’t have anything going on in your head, don’t attempt a stream-of-consciousness writing style.
  • My religion: “that’s kind of a yes or no question” That’s not even a question, except possibly in Pre-conventional Morality. If it is a question, I think his answer may mean, “Yes, I’ll take it – the good one.”
  • Favorite Things: “Any category of music, as long as it’s good music.” Obviously. Should have seen that one coming.

If you guessed that Hot Mess #8’s IQ is 68, you are correct. Just short of both amusing and average.

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10 thoughts on “Hot Mess: Volume 8

  1. Shame he only games once a year with his broken Nintendo. As it’s been broken “ever-how” I can only imagine the garbled English the console coughs up severely limits the enjoyment. Of course, breaking an entertainment system “ever-how” can be very time-consuming. Obviously it can’t just be broken one way. In order to properly break your Nintendo “ever-how” you’ll need to have it fail to read cartridges while simultaneously burning out the power supply and opening parallel timelines. Not something the once-a-year gamer would undertake. So I’m calling bullshit there.

    Of course, being short a Nintendo and with time to kill in multiple existences, why not blow off a little steam by taking an “interesting” ride through a “tough neighborhood?” By “interesting” I assume he means a “high speed, windows up, doors locked” cruise past various bottle shops and check-cashing shoppes to the safety of the nearest Whole Foods to pick up some energy bars for the exciting bike ride/photo diary planned for later that day. It cuts nearly 3 miles off the drive and the fleeting glimpse of menancing faces and imagined criminal activity must really get his heart racing, so much so that you can see it throbbing through his barely-there emperor’s new shirt.

    Then swiftly back home to upload the breathtaking 2 MP cellphone shots of what appears to be some sort of tree, a blurry vista and what could either be a sunrise or a sunset if only his timestamp wasn’t currently set to GMT. That IS living, folks.

    Follow this all up with a longwinded cursing session as the mysteries of the Nintendo box continue to vex his shirtless existence(s) and apologies made to all those who have been slighted or perturbed by his refusal to limit himself to a solitary timeline like the rest of us.

    Godspeed, SWM. The road is long and fraught with urban intensity. Unwind with whatever passes for good music in that disturbingly oval mind of yours, sir. You’ve earned it.

  2. He sounds like an old spice commercial with taking a picture while he’s climbing a mountain or riding a bike. I don’t know how I ever did this online dating, I would think you made it up, but you didn’t, which makes it even worse! He’s that kind of guy who will take what your having to eat… only if it’s good.

    • Well, mynakedbokkie, the key is to not put myself through THIS.
      One thing that I’ll say for dating on the interweb, it does make it relatively easy to spot the idiots and crazies, if one is perceptive enough.

  3. Wow!Taking pictures, while climbing mountains and simultaneously riding a bicycle. Combine those skills with the random use of proper punctuation, and you’ve got quite a multi-talented gent. Just think of the money you could make by selling him to the circus!

    • @ applehearted: the “selling him to the circus” made me laugh out loud!

      @ SV: The comment about “If you really don’t have anything going on in your head, don’t attempt a stream-of-consciousness writing style.” had me snorting and unable to breathe (although not simultaneously!) since I was laughing so hard. (You are really good, btw–you can do that to me even at a distance! )

    • Good idea! I wonder if the circus is in the market for more entertainers. Although, I think selling other humans is generally frowned upon these days.

      • Oh but you’d really be bringing together two parties that would mutually benefit from each other! I’m sure the circus would pay him in some way and he’d get to use his considerable skills – which combined with his love of zoos is a natural fit. Think of yourself as a corporate headhunter of sorts, you’d merely receive compensation for making a great match.

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