Hot Mess: Volume 7

First Impression: Owenjwag is like a bargain, extra douche-y Robert Pattinson circa first Twilight movie.
This successfully combines three things I hate:

  • Robert Pattinson
  • Twilight
  • Douchebags

Communication Attempt:

Not helping, Owen. Douche factors are only steadily increasing. E.g:

  • I live in Minnetonka.
  • mba – the douchiest of all majors
  • looking for a ltr, or a great friend.
  • Subject line: “hi”

Meeting cool friends is a nice bi-product of a dating website, but it’s sure as hell not the product I paid for. I’m not THAT lonely, kids.

Devil’s Advocate:

Maybe he’s just not all that good at initiating the first message. Let’s check out his profile.

Uuuuuhhh… No dice. It’s all, “Hey look at me, I’m so moody and emo. Life in Minnetonka is hard. Don’t make me cry. It will totally mess up my eye-liner and right before my mba classes. Waaaahhh”


  • “I think it is important to have common interests and what not to build on.”
  • “I’m a very open minded person, like to have fun, be funny, try new things.”
  • “I think honesty, trust, and loyalty are very important.”
  • “Anyway, it’s really hard to meet people.”

Dear O,

It’s really hard to meet people because you clearly have the personality of a saltine. Possibly less.
Your interests match nearly 100% of the population, maybe fewer a smattering of sociopaths, mostly because your “interests” aren’t necessarily interests. They’re more traits of most human beings. Liking to have fun is not open-minded nor is being funny.

Grow a personality. It’ll make this whole process easier.
Also, stay away from the eyeliner.



16 thoughts on “Hot Mess: Volume 7

  1. I don’t care for this “owen.” I’m deeply suspicious of his desire to “have fun” and be “funny.” I don’t care how many over-recommended books he’s read, he missing the point of life. And that point is: to not have fun.

    I don’t have fun. I don’t even especially like being funny. And trying new things is right out. I don’t see the point. If you’re just going to go through life, living in your parent’s house and amusing yourself and others, you’re never going to amount to anything more than a blurry, forgettable face in a muscle shirt.

    Here’s how you can improve:

    – Ditch being amusing or being amused.
    – Glower. A lot.
    – Read everything on AFI’s Top 100 Films list. Most of those were adapted from books. You can’t go wrong there.
    – End more sentences with “or what not.” It’s important that people know they can count on not being able to know exactly what you’re talking about. Open-ended is open-minded.

    (Ex.: I’m not sure if I’m ready to go out tonight. I’ve got some more expressive glowering to do and what not. I know I said I’m open to trying new things, but there’s also a long list of new things that I’m not open to at all, at least without warming up to them or their ideas of fun/funny first. Or what not. Has anyone seem my lucky shirt?”)

    – Stop being so open-minded. What did it get anyone other than mysterious rashes or explosive diarrhea?
    – Switch shirts twice a month, whether needed or not.
    – Close that closet door. Right now it’s as open as your mind. Close them both, now.
    – Stop trying new places. It has the same outcome as open-mindedness.
    – Or what not.
    – Have more of those moments when you take everything seriously. Laughing at yourself is for cargo culture riffraff who’ve never seen a mirror. In fact, smash all the mirrors in your house. Show these broken mirrors to potential dates and make some remark about how they’re so “superficial.” (Try to ignore any questions as to how a mirror can be sufficiently anthropomorphized into being “superficial.” Glower a bit. Toss some highly recommended “deep” book onto the nightstand.)
    – Loosen up. Take a few quick laps around the block. It’ll make you feel better and it’s good for you. Plus, mom will be home at six and you can take her car and stop walking/running/busing everywhere.
    – Just try to be yourself, only interesting.
    – Clean up all that blurry crap around your eyes. It’s distracting and draws attention away from your shirt(s).

    Good luck!

  2. I love your posts!! haha hilarious! He sounds like a right loser to be honest. Properly socially inept.
    I seem to have no luck with guys…its either those ‘nice kinda stalkery’ guys or the complete tools who love themselves. Anyway check out the challenge ive started on my blog…its a full proof plan…

  3. Dear Hannah,

    I have used some of the knowledge i gained in my online mba program to determine which IP u used when you sent ur nasty message, so konw i am gathering my things, eye liner, guns and what not and am on my way to show you how spicy a cracker can be when i do take things deadly serious. just so u know – this won’t be one of the ‘new’ things for me to try…

    • Sweet… Finally a use for that conceal and carry license I’ve worked so hard for.
      So I should expect target practice once you stop crying, reapply your eyeliner, and figure out how to get out third ring suburbia?

  4. “I think it is important to have some common interests. Not that differences can’t compliment each other of course”….I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure….

  5. i question his philosophy of “i think trying something new is always great”
    what about syphilis? child murder? lying on a motorway? how great are they??

    also “its really hard for me to meet people” = social retard

  6. I was about to advocate for Owen until I saw: “I love reading books some novels. I never read a book unless someone recommends it or I have read the author before.” And yet he’s so open to trying new things. I also wonder if he’s noticed that in all those book novels he’s read, no one substitutes “u” for “you.” In my thinking someone who can’t take be bothered to provide you with two extra letters is not worth your time.

  7. Wow, this was really mean and funny. I am both appalled and delighted that you would put this man’s information out for everyone to see.

    My favorite photos of him are the ones where he is just standing or sitting in his bedroom, even though that was all of them. I also thought it was interesting that he didn’t read books that he wasn’t told to read or already familiar with.

    • Yeah, I suppose I could have blurred out his name. Oh well.

      I have no basis for this belief, but I can’t help but think that his room is in his parent’s house. Something about him screams, “I still live with my parents.”

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