Hot Mess: Volume 7

First Impression: Owenjwag is like a bargain, extra douche-y Robert Pattinson circa first Twilight movie.
This successfully combines three things I hate:

  • Robert Pattinson
  • Twilight
  • Douchebags

Communication Attempt:


Not helping, Owen. Douche factors are only steadily increasing. E.g:

  • I live in Minnetonka.
  • mba – the douchiest of all majors
  • looking for a ltr, or a great friend.
  • Subject line: “hi”

Meeting cool friends is a nice bi-product of a dating website, but it’s sure as hell not the product I paid for. I’m not THAT lonely, kids.


Devil’s Advocate:

Maybe he’s just not all that good at initiating the first message. Let’s check out his profile.


Uuuuuhhh… No dice. It’s all, “Hey look at me, I’m so moody and emo. Life in Minnetonka is hard. Don’t make me cry. It will totally mess up my eye-liner and right before my mba classes. Waaaahhh”

Gems:

  • “I think it is important to have common interests and what not to build on.”
  • “I’m a very open minded person, like to have fun, be funny, try new things.”
  • “I think honesty, trust, and loyalty are very important.”
  • “Anyway, it’s really hard to meet people.”

Dear O,

It’s really hard to meet people because you clearly have the personality of a saltine. Possibly less.
Your interests match nearly 100% of the population, maybe fewer a smattering of sociopaths, mostly because your “interests” aren’t necessarily interests. They’re more traits of most human beings. Liking to have fun is not open-minded nor is being funny.

Grow a personality. It’ll make this whole process easier.
Also, stay away from the eyeliner.

Sincerely,

Hannah

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One of us thought it was hilarious. Sorry it wasn’t you.

Initial contact summary: Hey, we should meet. Yes, we should. Silence, extended for a month or so.

Ditto for second contact summary including silence, extended.

Third contact (unabridged)
Observe the dates.

Prior to sending this message, I thought that either this dude will find this hi-larious or he’ll be pissed. Either way, I shall have some sort of conclusive decision.

At this point, my dear friend “J” un-friended me on the book-o’-face and subsequently blocked me. In the grand scheme of my internet dating and relationships, I’m going to credit that as a successful closure.

Hot Mess: Volume 6

I’m going to start with a grand ol’ “What the fuck?” on this here beauty, starting with this dapper fellow’s facial hair stylings.

I’m pretty sure that this is the portion of my profile to which thisĀ  fine gentleman is responding. You see, I have a strong aversion to the utterly pointless and creepy cyber winking that Match advertises as flirty and as “communication”.

I’m not exactly sure what he’s implying by, “if that’s the kind of students you have, you prolly met someone like me b4.” Kids whose “hienies” get molested by old ladies with lots of rings? Students who are old ladies? I’m at a loss.

“Rick T. THE GREAT. est technician that ever lived. lol.” is “too smart for anyone to figure out.”
Go figure. He got me figured out right quick. I’m oil. I am also a woman, so it’s best to find out what’s for dinner.

I’d also be willing to wager that the cigarettes in his pocket are Winners…that or Marlboro lights. Ick to the tenth power.

Consolation prize: I have “nice grammar”.