Hot Mess: Volume 3



One of my favorite things to come across in an online profile is the listing of some variance of “going out” and “staying in” among the things that one enjoys. While I’m sure most intend this to express versatility, I always get caught up trying to think of any other options.

Here’s my list so far:
1) Getting caught up in a horrible bout of indecision on the threshhold of one’s home.
And, well, that’s all I’ve really come up with.

You know the profile is off to a strong start when the first sentence doesn’t really mean anything.

Oops, did I say sentence? That’s not accurate because there is neither capitalization nor punctuation that might suggest a sentence began or ended.
Come on, kids. In the online dating world your writing and the few random pictures you put up is all you have to represent yourself. So put in at least the kind of effort you would have put into doing your first grade homework. A few poorly placed punctuation marks is better than none at all. In fact, if you pull it off right, it will make you look downright creative.

Unfortunately for me, I had to come to the conclusion that this fine specimen of manhood was not the right match for me as he appears to be looking for a woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder as he wants to “make them smile everday”.

Shucks. Maybe next time.


7 thoughts on “Hot Mess: Volume 3

  1. I can’t stand people who use “u” and “r” and “like 2 go” etc.
    If your profile doesn’t have punctuation and the correct use of words, I just can’t do it.
    Then there are the guys who send crazy ass messages. At least I have spent the money to be entertained!

    I don’t know where you live, but i have learned that here in Alabama, 75% of the guys have pictures with fish. FISH…. i can’t imagine why they don’t have a girlfriend if all they do is spend their time with fish.

  2. I can talk with you… but then, we talk fairly frequently anyways… 🙂

    I do love your Sex and the Pity Blog. It makes me laugh, even if I don’t post when I’ve read it. Well, except for this once.

  3. “Just being around people makes me smile”

    That’s what being a snowmobile-obsessed shut-in will do to you. Nothing brightens the room like someone in seasonally-inappropriate snowgloves and an awkward, vacant smile on their face.

    Trust me, everyone is sure to notice the eyeless, ski-masked man with the brainless grin making vroom-vroom noises as he “motors” around the room. That whole “i like all kinds of music” is sure to be an icebreaker as well (but not too much ice — we still want to use that snowmobile! LOL!), as it clearly shows your inability to form opinions or create your own tastes.

    Also: snowmobile 4-ever.

    And: Old snowmobilers never die. Except for the ones who aren’t paying attention and hit, like, a tree or downed power line or something. Just them. The rest of us are still around, smiling inanely.


    • Maybe he’s a cyclops, so he didn’t want to answer in the plural category.

      Alas, I don’t think he’s that smart.

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