Hot Mess: Volume 2


One of the things that frustrates me most about online dating is that so many of the profiles I encounter (as is true for Hot Mess #2)  could be summarized in the following manner.

I like going out and staying in. I’m hard working, but also laid back. I like my family and friends. I also like stuff and things.

Where to start with Hot Mess #2?
Eh, let’s go with the beginning.

  • “Daylites burning!” Daylite: Is that some sort of shitty cousin to Partylite?
  • “Im a very nice person that is looking for a person that also is nice and considerate.”
    Funny. I never see the profile that says, “I’m kind of a dick. So I’m looking for someone who will tolerate me.” Errr, sorry…I mean, “Im kind of a dick that is looking for someone that is willing to tolerate me.”
  • “I’m quite confident you won’t be disapointed.” They say confidence is sexy, but it kind of loses its touch when it follows the sentence, “Anyway, I can tell you more if you are interested, just please let me know if I seem to spark your interest!”
    ! = universal sign for “I’m begging you. Fucking. Please!”
  • “Im a hard working, kinda old fashioned guy that is looking for someone to share my life and the things I have with, and experience the things she has as part of her life.”
    I’m not even going to take the time to go all English teacher on that sentence. But “share my life and the things I have with”? What are we talking about? Herpes? His nail clipping collection? It’s kind of like the opposite of a Valtrex commercial. But come on, what could possibly be more intimate than sharing herpes?
  • A PSA: Guys, you never-fucking-ever put in your profile that you play video games even IF you qualify it with “sometimes” or a “few.”  You automatically conjure up the gamer stereotype – greasy, hasn’t showered in a week, and very, very white.

This eligible bachelor was among one of the first people on Match to make me talk to my computer (who was unwittingly standing in for Hot Mess #2).
The conversation went something like this:

Me: What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you even read my profile?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)
Me: CAN you read my profile?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)
Me: What the fuck is wrong with people?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)

Some fist shaking may or may not have occurred at this point. But a girl’s gotta have some secrets…


6 thoughts on “Hot Mess: Volume 2

    • Not saying that it’s wrong to be a gamer at all. Just saying that the image it conjures is probably not the one people are going for.

      I’ve loved some gamers myself.

  1. I don’t understand what’s wrong with this gentleman. He would have taken you anywhere, like Gamestop or a comic book convention. It would have been a happy life, you would have been making his favorite food (American style burgers and American Fries) and brewing his beer, whilst he plants his ass in the Bark-o-lounger getting drunk and throwing empty cans at the TV when ever he died playing Call of Duty. His wardrobe would consist of entirely wife beaters that were stained with grease from his 1970 Road Runner that is up on blocks in the yard.

    On the weekends you could have exercised together playing pool or doing “other”. During special times he would send you out to the store while he went to the local high school to watch girls “VolleyBall”. However, the big surprise would not have been the herpes or nail clipping collection, but the collection of random pubes he asks you to knit into a bath mat for your first anniversary. Ahhh what a wonderful life it could have been.

  2. Maybe “Daylites burning!” is some sort of performance art festival, like Burning Man but without the nighttime activities. Or live-action-role-playing in the park only without the chance to pretend you’re with “Shakespeare in the Park” rather than just some dude with hand-crafted chainmail and a foam sword battling kobolds and bugbears.

    I come from a small town and this random dude is right. We like to be treated with respect and “the golden rule.” If not, we tend to get very stabby and, more frequently, shooty. I once saw a cable service technician get capped and dumped behind the local ice cream shoppe for daring to add on a $4.95 service charge.

    You’re right about the video games. I never tell anybody I play them. It tends to earn me withering looks of “grow the fuck up” from people who would normally not add the word “fuck” to their internal dialogue.

    • Stabby.
      That’s a great word. I’m gonna have to work that into my vocabulary more often. Way more catchy than “shanky.” Way…

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