Hot Mess: Volume 2


One of the things that frustrates me most about online dating is that so many of the profiles I encounter (as is true for Hot Mess #2)  could be summarized in the following manner.

I like going out and staying in. I’m hard working, but also laid back. I like my family and friends. I also like stuff and things.

Where to start with Hot Mess #2?
Eh, let’s go with the beginning.

  • “Daylites burning!” Daylite: Is that some sort of shitty cousin to Partylite?
  • “Im a very nice person that is looking for a person that also is nice and considerate.”
    Funny. I never see the profile that says, “I’m kind of a dick. So I’m looking for someone who will tolerate me.” Errr, sorry…I mean, “Im kind of a dick that is looking for someone that is willing to tolerate me.”
  • “I’m quite confident you won’t be disapointed.” They say confidence is sexy, but it kind of loses its touch when it follows the sentence, “Anyway, I can tell you more if you are interested, just please let me know if I seem to spark your interest!”
    ! = universal sign for “I’m begging you. Fucking. Please!”
  • “Im a hard working, kinda old fashioned guy that is looking for someone to share my life and the things I have with, and experience the things she has as part of her life.”
    I’m not even going to take the time to go all English teacher on that sentence. But “share my life and the things I have with”? What are we talking about? Herpes? His nail clipping collection? It’s kind of like the opposite of a Valtrex commercial. But come on, what could possibly be more intimate than sharing herpes?
  • A PSA: Guys, you never-fucking-ever put in your profile that you play video games even IF you qualify it with “sometimes” or a “few.”  You automatically conjure up the gamer stereotype – greasy, hasn’t showered in a week, and very, very white.

This eligible bachelor was among one of the first people on Match to make me talk to my computer (who was unwittingly standing in for Hot Mess #2).
The conversation went something like this:

Me: What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you even read my profile?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)
Me: CAN you read my profile?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)
Me: What the fuck is wrong with people?
Computer/Hot Mess #2: (Silence)

Some fist shaking may or may not have occurred at this point. But a girl’s gotta have some secrets…


Hot Mess: Volume 1


Rycon 517 was the first man to prompt me to use command, shift, 4. He sent me a message that I no longer have stored in either my inbox or my memory, so it is safe to assume that it was about as engaging as his profile.

Some things you may want to note:

  • The headline: “New and Adventurous ! : )” as demonstrated by his (only) profile pic outside of the Mall of (fucking) America (or MOFA for short) to which he gives a familiar shout out in his “Favorite Hot Spots” section.
  • If I was not already sold on this 31 year-old SWM’s sense of novelty and adventure, he drew me in with, “I won’t get off on a rant (space). I’m just a simple guy and enjoy simple thing (space). Sometimes I can be elaborite (space).” “Elaborite” like sometimes he likes to “go all out” on that extra pair of new, still soft sweatpants.
  • Rycon 517 continues writing that he is “always up for something new that I haven’t tried yet and go some place I have never been (fucking space).” “Something new” like sex, for example, but not like jacking off in the bathrooms at MOFA after seeing a particularly risque mannequin.
  • The closing line may be his best. “Perhaps you can show me something ‘NEW'”
    Is that a challenge? In hindsight, I should have sent him a link for diaper porn.

And so it begins…

It came to me one evening when I was out to dinner with my coworkers and the conversation turned to the misadventures in our romantic relationships and dating lives – mostly mine, unfortunately. Our conversation started to sound like some sort of Sex in the City episode – only funny and it didn’t make me want to gouge my brain out with a spork. I thought, I should write about this shit.

And that’s how it began.

This, it occurred to me, may be why I have been collecting screen shots of profiles that I encounter in the online dating world and store them in a folder lovingly and aptly named “Hot Mess”. If my dating life pays off in no other satisfying way, this will, at least, grant me and some blog-following types some entertainment.

The people pulled from my “Hot Mess” folder will remain anonymous to protect the identities of the stupid, the uninteresting, and the unable to punctuate.